Leaving Him At Highland
The remainder of Saturday, once Vinnie was out of ICU, is pretty much a blur. I remember there being a continuous stream of people coming to the hospital to see him and support me. Tootie and JeNae were on rotation in his room. Those two have got to be the elite squad of Top Flight Security when it came to monitoring, observing and enforcing visiting time limits. I was primarily stationed in the lobby to monitor who would visit and to lay down the rules. No crying. Get all our crying out before you go in to see him. He is going to respond based on how we react to seeing him.
I was doing a fairly good job of keeping it together until other people broke down. Other than my initial breakdown with Var, there were one other instance that stands out that first day. Sister, or TiTi as Vinnie calls her, called and wanted to speak to him. I held the phone to his ear. I am not sure what she said to him. However, what he said to her and what followed almost broke me down. He asked her to sing, “Sing that song TiTi, you know the one”. She began to sing, “I just want to praise you, forever and ever, for all you’ve done for me…” Til this day I can not hear that song without remembering that moment in the hospital (and later at church when 2 days after being released from the hospital, he insisted on going to church, but that’s a later post). As Sister sang, tears began to roll down Vin’s face. All I could do was hold the phone and pray, “Lord thank you for sparing my child and please help me to keep it together”.
About 8 pm, the fact that I had been up for over 36 hours and I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten hit me. We had already decided we would stay at Tootie’s house in Fremont so we could be in close proximity to the hospital as opposed to being way in Antioch. We decided it was time to leave. As difficult as it was to leave the hospital, I knew I needed to eat and get some rest in order to be back first thing Sunday morning. Thankfully he had a room to himself and after a stern, borderline threatening conversation with the Powers That Be at Highland, it was agreed that Var could stay at the hospital with Vinnie.
Then there was the drive home. We were in my car. I was driving, Tootie was shotgun with Chelsea and JeNae in the back. To this day I do not know why they decided that the drive home was the time to go in on me about how calm I was when I called them. But they did. And go in on me they did. This family is known for reenactments and reenact my phone calls to them is exactly what they did. It is difficult to recapture, in writing, their imitations of me calling them but suffice it to say, my calmness was clearly a problem. They both agreed that it took them a more than a few seconds to compute the information I had conveyed because of calmness and the lack of emotion in my voice.
We laughed as Tootie told JeNae her response, the one out loud and the one in her head. To me she said, “WHAT Rotchie? What did you say?” In her head, she said, she thought, “I know this _____ didn’t just tell me my Godson has been shot. She couldn’t of said that cause she sounds way too calm”. She told us how, after she hung up with me, she started yelling at Big Papa to get up, she jumped out of bed, turned on every light in the house while yelling for everybody to get up, they had to get to the hospital because Vinnie had been shot. Anybody who knows Tootie can definitely envision her doing just this and then yelling louder cause nobody was moving fast enough.
I remember the pause on the phone as I told JeNae. She said her brain, too, was computing what I had said. Her pause was partially my calmness but also her disbelief at what I was saying. Vinnie wasn’t about that life. I don’t remember her exact response, I just remember by 11 am Cameron was picking her up from Oakland airport.
As they recapped how calm I was, it then became how I’m always calm and how I get on their nerves with that. “You can’t never yell and scream?” I couldn’t believe during this time of tragedy, they were talking about how much I got on their nerves and made them sick. They were really going on and on and on about it. We laughed and laughed. I was driving and laughing. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Here we are driving down 880 on a Saturday night, after the worst night of our lives, tired, hungry and laughing uncontrollably. I told them to stop making me laugh cause I was driving and I couldn’t see if I was crying due to laughing. Somebody came up with the thought of us having a car accident and how the ensuing headline would read, “Son Survives 17 Gunshot Wounds, Mother, Sisters and Godmother Die In Car Crash”. And with that, of course, we laughed some more.
We finally make it to Tootie’s house. Tootie, who finds any reason to go to WalMart on the late night tip, decided she really had a legitimate reason to go. She convinced Chelsea and JeNae to participate in her WalMart run because she “needed to get some stuff for me”.
Exhausted and emotionally drained, I laid down to try and get some sleep. The next thing I remember is being awakened, at 1 am, to Tootie’s being excited to tell me about the jeans she found me for $5.00. Not sure why that couldn’t wait until morning but clearly it couldn’t.
Tootie is one of my 5 (friends). She is my Rotchie. My ride or die. She is the Godmother (Nanny) to my boys, Auntie Tootie to my girls and Granny-Nanny to my grandsons. We have been through so much together, I could write a entire blog just on that. We may not talk often, we may not see each other often but she is that one who will drop everything when I need her and vice-versa. Our motto, when it’s time to ride out, “You ain’t said nothing but a word. Are we praying or fighting?” She was at the hospital with us every, single day the entire length of Vinnie’s stay. To this day, I have no idea what she told her job. Everybody needs a Rotchie in their life.
We finally got to bed. It seemed I had been sleep for 15 minutes when Var called about 8 am to say, Highland was allowing people access to Vinnie using is birth name (he was there under a trauma name). I told Var not to worry about it, I was on my way. Clearly Highland’s lack of security had compromised my son’s safety and they were going to hear about it.
This was the first of every morning of Vinnie’s stay at Highland, in which I would receive an early morning phone call from Var about the shenanigans of Highland Hospital relative to my son’s care and treatment. Guess they didn’t know I wasn’t the one, I was the other one. Highland would soon find out, “I only look like this”.
Next…Breach Of Security = Potential Huge Liability For Your Hospital.
2015 Leave Behinds
There have been two major losses which have significantly, not only changed how I live my life, but have also changed how I view the world. The first loss was someone I loved soooooo very much. The second one was someone I didn’t know at all. Those two losses were beyond my control, nothing I could have foreseen or prevented. And yet, both could have been prevented. Both deaths, after coming out of the cloud of disbelief and resuming movement after being paralyzed with pain and heartache propelled me to do more, go harder.
I have heard people say, I have said, “Life happens”. Things occur that distract or interrupt plans or actions. This year, I realized that “People happen” that cause me to lose focus and momentum. It often results in my questioning myself, my worth, my purpose. The human mind is coldblooded. Twenty people can give me accolades and say what an integral part of the team I am. And yet, one person’s criticism will play on a loop in my head. Charles M. Blow gave me life yesterday in the form of a tweet.
His tweet reminded me of the commitment I made to self and have wavered on. Charles M. Blow tweeted, “Thinking about the new year, I don’t do resolutions, per se, but I do ‘leave behinds.’ Not everything in ur life is supposed to be…”
I reread it a few times and reflected on the melancholy mood I have been in the past few days. A few years ago, when I turned 50 and following the tragedies and traumas of the previous few years, I decided to live my life in an unapologetic way. Saying no to the the things I didn’t want to do. Not offering explanations to the things I said yes to. In many ways, most times, I have stuck with that decision. I have learned it really is a conscientious effort to to do so.
As 2015 comes to a close, I am definitely doing some much needed “leave behinds”. I am leaving behind people, things and habits. The first folks getting left are the ones who are more critical than encouraging. You never have anything positive to say? A number of years ago, when I was unemployed, I made a conscious effort to not complain. I choose to not get my chones in a bunch over things which I have zero control. Therefore, I am definitely not trying to hear other people complaining. All the time.
For all you Super Spiritual people, leaving you behind too. There are things I feel and go through that have nothing to do with a lack of faith, believing in what God can do or anything else. Guess what? Depression is real. I never hear those Super Saints telling folks with high blood pressure not to “claim it” or question their faith when they take medication. Living my life focused on my personal relationship with Jesus, my witness and my ministry has been freeing. Some of y’all so saved you don’t even know anybody who’s not.
The other people who are getting left in 2015 are those who don’t walk that talk. I have given you the benefit of the doubt. I have been patient cause we are all a “work in progress”. However, since now I’m wondering about your integrity and truthfulness, I’ma go ahead and opt out with you in 2016.
2015 has been an incredible year in my professional growth and development. I have also grown and came to term with some personal relationships. Interpersonal relationships more often than not are complicated. Whether they are familial, colleagues, friends, romantic or a combination of any. The only person who needs to understand my relationships is me and the person I am in relationship with. She’s my Soul Sister; she’s the other half of Double Trouble; he’s my VBFF; I’m her Nana; he’s Blue; I’m Coach and so it goes. We know and that’s all that matters. Stop explaining your life.
The fact that you share DNA doesn’t mean you are required to have people in my life. It definitely doesn’t mean their thoughts, opinions, criticism matter. I learned a while ago, people either really, really like me or they really, really don’t. I once heard a preacher say, “People don’t like you. They don’t even know you but they don’t like you. They don’t like your face as if you ordered it yourself”. Can you be okay with that in your life? It can be liberating.
Thus, I win by losing with the leave behinds. I can give zero air time (or zero expletive for my profanity using friends lol) to things that are inconsequential to the daily struggle against a system that kills with impunity; that disproportionately under educates children based on zip codes, socio-economic status and skin color; that maintains school/foster care/sex abuse to prison pipelines. Changing the world. I’m about that life.
Writing this post on this third day of Kwanzaa, thinking about the meaning of today’s principle.
- Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility): To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers’ and sisters’ problems our problems, and to solve them together.
Imagine what community would look like if we all made this (and the other) principles a way of life.
I encourage you to look over 2015 and purposely leave some people, things and habits behind!!!!!
Joy and Pain
“Remember when you first found love how you felt so good
Kind that last forever more so you thought it would
Suddenly the things you see got you hurt so bad
How come the things that make us happy make us sad”
Not unlike most people, as 2015 comes to a close, I reflect over the year. For me, this year, more so than any other, has showed me, in no uncertain terms, the contradiction of America. Yes, there are many good things about this country. That doesn’t negate the facts. America needs to get honest. It is both ironic and befitting that I sit here, writing this post, two days before Christmas. And it is with that contradiction I begin. Continue reading
Highland ICU
As I returned to the waiting area to give an update, again, I was trying to figure out, how to convey, that which I, was yet to fully comprehend; 17 gunshots wounds, 3 guns, 3 shooters; Vin’s repeated account of the black truck, the man with the hoodie and the AK. He would repeat those 3 details over and over again. As I walked through the double doors, everyone who was there began to circle up. I don’t recall the words I spoke. I believe I gave the update. I know I said that Vinnie needed to rest and everybody should go home, get some rest and come back later. I know I promised them that they would all be able to see him when they came back. I remember looking up and seeing tears, streaming down faces. I had done a good job of holding it together, I got choked up, my words wouldn’t come out. I think it was Dolla who grabbed me and said, “Don’t worry Mom-Zos, we’ll be back”. I remember Steve asking me if I needed anything. I asked for the staples that you need in a crisis, a toothbrush, some toothpaste and a cup of coffee. Continue reading
Tirade Tuesday…this one’s for you Courtaney!
I have taught high school for a total of 8 years in 4 districts. I have never taught in a comprehensive, traditional high school. In fact, not only have I taught in alternative schools in the community, for kids who have been expelled from their districts, I have taught in Juvenile Detention Facilities. I have also taught in the high school in San Francisco County Jails. In not one of the locked facilities where I taught, was anyone in there for singing too loud in the church choir. Not one person was expelled from school, therefore at the alternative school, for talking too loud, talking excessively, chewing gum or having a electronic device out in class (all the “reported reasons”, I have heard as to why the SRO was called to that classroom in So. Carolina).
When I taught in the community, the schools had Campus Supervisors. When I taught at the Juvenile Facilities, there were counselors. When I taught in the jails, there were deputies. In the institutions, there are panic buttons. I have never pressed the panic button. I can count on one hand the number of times I kicked somebody out of class. I’ve been cursed out once. I’m not going to front, I wanted to sock her; I envisioned my hands wrapped around her throat. However, I knew two things. One, I needed my job, teaching credential and my freedom. And two, her behavior, though directed at me, wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about her being disrespectful or challenging my authority. It was about her not knowing any other way to express herself. (She was upset because after asking her 2 times to stop talking, the third time I told her she had the choice to stop talking or leave class.) Continue reading
From Children’s Hospital to Highland Hospital
I returned to the lobby to give everyone an update on how Vinnie was doing and what was going to happen next. He was being transferred to Highland Hospital at 7 am. It all continues to be surreal to me, at this point. Even now, looking back, thinking back, recalling details, and remembering details I had forgotten. Kendra (Vinnie’s then girlfriend, now wife) calling me as I was en route to the hospital asking me for directions; me being unable to articulate something so simple as directions to Children’s Hospital. I remember telling her to call Var, who then went to meet her; which is why he wasn’t there when I initially arrived at the hospital. As I returned to the lobby area, all I could hear was Naomi (Var’s then girlfriend) saying, repeatedly, to the security guard, “Sir, please don’t say anything to him. Sir, please just leave him alone. Sir, please don’t talk to him.” I had no idea why she kept repeating this. I soon found out that the security had not only made assumptions about the circumstances which caused Vinnie to be shot, but had the boldness to voice those assumptions to, of all people, Var, that was BAD IDEA. (For those who don’t know, thus the sarcastic “Sir” and “Ma’am” were born.) Continue reading
The Expectation of Loss
I remember 12 1/2 years ago I got an early morning phone call from a friend telling me his mom had passed away. She had been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer the previous summer and it had been a grueling 6 months from diagnosis to treatment to “keeping her comfortable” to her passing. Although we lived in different cities, my work often brought me to Southern California and I was blessed to be able to support him through that very difficult time. I had a few friends who had loss their Moms but I didn’t know them when their Moms had been alive. This was, for all intensive purposes, my first experience being extremely close to someone during such a major loss.
Now, don’t get me wrong I had experienced loss before, of people close to me, as both my grandmother’s had passed within 5 years of each other. However, they had had health issues for a number of years. They had been in and out of the hospital and in my young adult mind, they were “old” and old people died. As I got older, matured and gained some real life knowledge, I realized they weren’t old at all and had, in fact, died early. I also identified their deaths as the loss of my grandmothers, never thinking of their passing as my parents losing their mothers. This, I believe, is merely a reflection of being young and everything being about you. Continue reading
The Who and Why of It
A friend suggested that I write an introductory blog to let people know who I am and tell the purpose of my blog. Deciding to blog about my life, my experiences, my pain, my joy, my life was not a difficult decision to me. It is talking about who I am that is difficult and cheesy, right up there with displaying my degrees, awards, etc. In mind I think, “Who cares about my accomplishments?” However, I know that we rarely see ourselves as others see us, therefore maybe who I am will inspire someone to dream bigger and believe they can. So here goes…
I was a teen-age Mom. I was pregnant at 15 and had my daughter, JeNae, when I was 16. She was born July 13, 1979, the summer between my junior and senior years of high school. I grew up in San Francisco and attended George Washington HS (Go Eagles!). I cut school a lot because, apparently I thought being in school all day everyday wasn’t important. Interestingly, I always got all my work done, went to summer school, earned work-study credits (I’ve worked since I was 14), so by the time I returned for my senior year, all I needed to graduate was 10 credits. I do not recommend this road, nor do I share it in a boastful way. I share it as part of my story of always understanding the importance of education despite my antics and shenanigans. Continue reading
Children’s Hospital
I am standing in front of the security desk. I am calm. I am clear. I have not shed one tear. I am focused. I am wondering where Var is, why isn’t he here, he was closer, he should have been here by now.
“I’m here to see my son, Vinnie Valentine. He’s been shot.”
The security guard checks the computer, “We don’t have anyone by that name who has been admitted”, he replies matter-of-factly.
“My son was shot and they brought him here. His name is Vincent Valentine II.”
“I’m sorry Ma’am, but nobody by that name has been admitted here. Are you sure they brought him to Children’s Hospital?” he says with a hint of sarcasm. I remember thinking, “If i jump over this counter and choke you I bet you would be a little more helpful and a little less of a smart-ass.” My rational mind kicked in, reminding me to continue to be calm and polite. It is amazing how many things your mind can think, seemingly at once. As I was beginning to ask for the third time, the double doors open and a white woman in non-hospital attire comes out. She hears what I am asking security and asked if I would come in the back with her.
As I begin to walk toward her, my mind is screaming, “Nooooo, why are you taking me in the back where they give you the bad news? Where is Var? Did they tell Var Vin died so he left. How come nobody is here? God, you told me he wasn’t going to die.” Continue reading
The Night of The Shooting
On January 30, 2009, my life, our lives, forever changed when my oldest son was shot. This story is complex, in so many ways. I can not tell the story without the context in which it occurred. My son and I were both working full time at our church. I was also working part time as a Private Investigator. I was up late that Friday night, because the homicide case I was currently investigating was in trial, in Alameda County, and I had a several interviews which I had to conduct the next day. I can remember thinking I need to shut it down because I have a long day tomorrow. I looked at my cell, one last time, and saw 2 missed calls from my son’s best friend. Although it was not unusual for Vin’s friends to call me, it wasn’t the normal this late. It was midnight. Continue reading
myhealingjourneydotme 